And sometimes I smile

I walk without a sound, no one to see my footsteps ring out, no one to hear the things on my mind, Grey skies over head, here comes that familiar graceless thing, the one that makes me phone at 3 in the morning, the one that makes me sob at laundry detergent commercials, the one that makes me bury myself in complete obscurity, Sometimes the sun comes up, bright and round and full of the promise of a new day, Sometimes the sun comes up, bright as a knife and burning, beating down on my head with all of her vicious fury, time to go back to bed, These things that play out, the ones I cannot share like some ribald old joke, these are the things that color my opinions, put lines in my face, weigh down on me like a burden, The uncounted hurts, the timeless pains, the things that make me feel forsaken, Funny you should ask, but doesn't this joker smile, doesn't he wave and canter and play at being a fool, isn't his heart filled with such joy and merriment, quick with a joke, quick with solace that runs like honey, so clever and witty, so warm and caring, Honey comes from the bee's that sting, silk from the spiders that feed, pretty flowers from poisonous plants, beautiful pelts from the tiger that will consume you, In my mind, I see a man, seated at a table painted white as a snow bank, He sits in a room, clean and pure and calm, the walls shine pure, dazzling ivory fresh, white as a snow bank, His suit is magnificent, superbly tailored and fashionable, fit to perfection, white as a snow bank, His hands lay palm down on the table, well manicured, the skin flawless, wrists sheathed in his shirt cuffs, white as a snow bank, And he is screaming, screaming as loud as he can, throat raw, veins bulging, eyes wide and crazy, I see this when I close my eyes, I've seen it for a long time, sometimes it worries me, And sometimes I smile.