The Invisible Moon

The wipers slapped back and forth on the wet windshield, the sound bringing the man to a wistful reverie. A stray leaf clung tenaciously to the corner of the glass in the upper left corner, refusing to give up this last ride in the breeze before falling to the pavement to rot away. He looked at the woman next to him; she was quiet, with a dour expression on her face. It had been a rough ride, picking her up from work. He had been late, sidetracked by the relative calm back at home without her, and traffic had been a bitch on the way to the office where she worked. She had voiced her displeasure at him in her usual neutering way, all hard consonants and loud vowels, pointing out her adeptness at knowing he would fuck up as he usually did; she reminded him that she told him that very morning that she just knew he would be late. She didn’t find it particularly funny when he tried to lighten the mood by mentioning that she may in fact be prescient, and perhaps they should buy some lottery tickets on the way back home.

He turned back to the road, chasing the taillights in front of him from light to light. His mind wandered, thinking of the movie he had been watching earlier, something she would have questioned his interest in watching. He thought of a particularly off-color joke a friend had sent him in an email, thought of the cold beers in the fridge and how nice one would go down right now.

She sat in the passenger’s seat, hypnotized by the wipers smooth motion back and forth on the wet glass. A glob of bird crap, mostly worn away by the water and wipers held vigilance on the lower right corner of the glass, refusing to be scraped into dust. She looked over at the driver; saw the set of his jaw and knew that it was going to be a long trip. She hadn’t meant to be cross with him, hadn’t meant to raise her voice and point out everything that he had ever done wrong as well as being late. Today was important, it was something she had been waiting for all week, and if they were late, it would mess up their plans. Work had been rough as it was, busier then usual for such a late day in October. It had stressed her out, along with the things she had going through her head about this evenings festivities.

She turned back to the look out the windshield, wondering how the spray from the car in front of them would feel on her face. Her mind drifted off to other things; the deep blue of the ocean on a family vacation when she was a child, the way her grandfathers cologne smelled when the family would go to church. She thought about how a glass of wine from the bottle in the fridge back at home would be nice right now, with some soft music and a back rub.

He drummed his hands on the steering wheel in time with an upbeat song on the radio, his mood starting to lighten a bit. He looked at his passenger with a smile; she turned the radio off, saying that she had a headache and would prefer to ride in silence. He rolled his eyes, glad that the glare on his glasses would most likely hide this from her. He had had more then enough of their usual bickering for one day. His mind wandered off to a scene in that movie he had been watching before leaving the house; two people on the phone, separated by countless miles. They had both been looking up at the full moon high in the night sky, and in that moment they were together. The physical distance between them erased by the moment of love they were sharing. He thought back to when things had been like that for him and this woman.

She rubbed at her temples, reached over and shut the radio off. She told the man that she had a headache from work, and would prefer to ride in silence. His eyes were hidden from her, but she could tell by the way he gripped the wheel he wasn’t very pleased by this. She grimaced slightly, afraid this would set the argument back into motion, was thankful when nothing came of it. She thought of a book she had been reading on her lunch break, a romance novel that had been made into a movie. In it two people were on opposite sides of the country, speaking on the phone. They both looked up to the moon, and all those miles separating them evaporated. They were together as one, sharing a moment as best they could. She thought back to when things were like that in her life with him.

He thought of how things were getting rougher for the two of them lately. The joy of sharing a life had been replaced by bickering and stress. Kind words were the exception to the rule rather then the norm. The daily slog of bills and work, of differing opinions of their life together had been stacking up for a while now, and things seemed to be coming to a head. He felt the urge to place his hand on her knee, to reach across the great expanse that existed between them even in this car, but he was sure she would just push him away, or complain that she wasn’t in the mood for that now. She always complained that he didn’t touch her in the right way, that he was petting her like a dog, when he had felt he had been stroking her hair with genuine love. It put him off to be dressed down like this, and had killed what little romance still existed in their lives. Their sex-life was just reflexive now, two people going through the rote maneuverings of foreplay leading to a passionless lust that they shared from time to time. He enjoyed his solo morning showers more then this puppetry of intercourse.

She contemplated the state of things between the two of them, this man and her. All the smiles and hugs had been replaced with bitchy talk and sour faces. Time after time, one of them had stormed away from the other with sharp words and a hard countenance. There had been more slammed doors and silent dinners then she cared to admit. She wished he would rest his hand on her knee like he used to, longed to caress his earlobe in the way she did when they would ride in the car, but she saw his hands were hard on the wheel, and knew he would be bothered by her touch now. He used to stroke her hair, and it would give her goose bumps, but now his touch was more of an instinctive thing when they were alone, or out in public. Just a bit of show that lived on after the romance had expired. Their love making had become boring and predictable, all done by numbers with the sole mission of orgasm much in the vein of fulfilling a bodily urge; as in the way an itch demands attention. She enjoyed her nights alone in bed with a spicy romance novel when he was held up at work more then this theater of intimacy.

His mind wandered as the wheels rolled over the wet pavement. He went through a mental checklist of the things he needed to do when they got back to the house, things that he had to get done that week. The face of a friend he hadn’t seen since high school popped up in his minds eye, and his thoughts turned to the wild parties they had gone to and the girls that he had dated back then. One girl in particular stood out, the proverbial ‘one that had gotten away’. He smiled at these thoughts, and his mind soldiered on. There was paint to be bought for the bedroom, an oil change that he needed to get for this car. He thought of how nice it would be to go to the local pub this weekend. There was a band playing there, they played the raucous sort of music that he enjoyed blaring when in the car alone, going to work. The woman next to him used to enjoy heading out to see live bands, had enjoyed stepping out for a few drinks and laughter. But things had changed. She was more reserved then before, more inclined to stay at home, and idle away the hours watching TV or a movie. He enjoyed this as well, genuinely wanted to be around her, but on occasion, he felt like a caged animal, felt like he was pacing back and forth looking for a means of escape.

He knew his listlessness wasn’t solely based on boredom, but didn’t want to consider that it may be time to move on from her, from them as a couple. He didn’t have it in him to give up at things, and dreaded the fight and eventual loneliness that would follow. This was all just the reality of things staring him unblinkingly in the eyes, and he knew that he’d have to deal with it eventually. Such is the quandary in dealing with the change that is necessary in life, but that which no one ever really wants to face.

She mulled over the mental checklist of things that she had done in preparation for tonight’s birthday party; a surprise party for her companion. The cake, the food and all the people she had invited. She had called ahead before leaving work to warn them they were on the way. She thought of the conversation, with a friend she had known since grade school. They had laughed at the realization that here it was years removed from their high school days, and they were planning a party that they had to hide from someone; back then it had been parents, and now it was from him. Her girlfriend had reminded here of an after prom party with a boy that they were sure was ‘the one’. She smiled at the memory, and then went back to work on the details that needed covering now, and for the rest of the week. They had some remodeling that needed doing back at home, and she was sure the car was due for something. She looked at the driver, and thought better of brining this up now. Better to wait until things were smoother. She remembered that there was something happening at the local bar this weekend, had written a note that she left in the nightstand on her side of the bed. She would have to remember to talk to him about it after the party.

She hoped things would lighten up for them after tonight, that this would be the thing to brighten the mood and bring them back closer together. She had been feeling like they were in a bit of a rut, more prone to bump heads in anger then combine them for a kiss. She had noticed his agitation recently; he had seemed more prone to move about the house without a set destination in mind. It was unsettling in that she felt the same way, but didn’t want to admit what that feeling entailed. She wanted to work harder and fight for what they had, crumbling though it may be. It was better then being alone in some ways, but worse when she realized they would just be poisoning each other for each other. Her headache started to really throb at this thought.

His eyes wandered up towards the tops of the building they were driving between. Man-made cliffs that the life they lead flowed through in a current not entirely of their choosing. He started to make a mental list of the things that they had in common, and the things that they didn’t. This really soured his mood, so he moved onto other things. He thought about the things he’d rather be doing. He thought of lying on the sand at a beach, listening to the waves rolling in under a hot sun. Hiking through the mountains, breathing in the cool pine scented air while the wind played through the branches. As it inevitably did, his mind took him back to her; not the woman here next to him, but the ideal woman that lived in his thoughts. This nebulous person was comprised of the facets of the woman he shared a relationship with, which he found most intriguing, and attractive, and of women he had known and thought he knew.

She looked out the passenger window, watched the soggy people walking under a drab sky, all those lives that she would never know or touch, just footsteps away. She thought of what had first attracted her to this man, how those things that she had at first found so endearing now tended to grate on her nerves. This set her mind whirling in a particularly negative bent, so she moved on to other things that were more pleasant. She imagined lying out in the sun with a good book, a soft breeze cooling her gently. She thought of being in the middle of a huge forest, far removed from the bustle and noise from this place, from her life in general. Her mind led her back to the place that it had been going quite often recently, to the imaginary man that she daydreamt about. He was an amalgamation of this man that she shared a life with, some men that she had known in her life, and some that existed solely in the books she so enjoyed.

He felt a niggling guilt at these thoughts, knew the emotional toll it would take on his companion if he were ever to breathe word one about what he was thinking. He felt this guilt, but carried on with the thoughts. It wasn’t a malicious thing that made him continue; he didn’t have a strong urge or need to be free from her or what they shared. It was just his mind wandering, seeking the things from within that weren’t being provided or found without. He could see her now, this imaginary woman. She was spinning in place in an open field, a sea of green, arms wide, eyes closed and smiling face turned upwards toward a sunny sky. He saw himself running towards her, scooping her up in his arms with a laugh and a kiss and falling to the ground to roll in a sweet embrace. He smiled at this thought, and then felt remorse for having it.

She felt bad for allowing herself this daydream, for the fact that these thoughts must never be expressed aloud. They would just lead to hurt and distrust, even if it was just her imagination working. She knew she loved this man, but the creeping doubt at the edge of her feelings for him could not be denied. She imagined dancing under a warm sun, cool grass rustling under her feet as she capered about with free abandon. She could feel her arms out wide, fingers splayed and touching the wind as she spun in place, face up to smile at the sky. Her imaginary man would come running to catch her up in his arms, to plant honeyed kisses on her face and hold her close to his chest. She twirled a stray band of hair with her finger, and nearly blushed at these thoughts. Just as quickly as they had come on, she banished them with a twinge of guilt.

He looked up from the street, saw that there was a break in the clouds. A full moon was peeking out from behind the sodden sky, a white beacon of hope in a great big sky of gray. He knew then in his heart what he must do, tough as it may be. The time that he had spent with her was coming to a change, not necessarily a close. They would have to sit down and have a quiet talk full of very hard things. The outcome may well be good; perhaps the conversation would be a catharsis that would leave them closer and stronger then they had been before, or it may turn out to be the flame out of a relationship coming to its terminal end. But he knew it was the right thing to do. He looked back down to the street, and came to a stop between two cars at a red light.

She looked at the red light that loomed out of the rain where the car had come to a stop in the far left lane, waiting to turn. She saw where the sky had opened up a bit, and out shone a full moon, bright and clear through the leaden rain. It lifted her spirits to see this, and in that moment she decided what she would have to do. After the party, they would have to sit and discuss things. There was the distinct possibility of hard feelings and harder words, but it was inevitable. Change is a part of life, and she knew that to continue on as they were wasn’t good for either of them. She hoped the conversation would lead to a strengthening of their life together, but was prepared for it to lead to a break. It wasn’t going to be easy, but she knew it was right.

He looked over to his left, out the rain flecked glass to the car next to his. There was a pretty woman in the passenger seat, staring up at the moon he had just been looking at. She noticed his gaze, and looked over at him. Her face was distinctly familiar to him, and yet was completely new. He smiled at her, and gave her a slight nod.

She felt as though someone was staring at her, and looked out the rain mottled glass over to the car on her right. A handsome man with glasses was looking at her. She felt as though she had seen that face before, and yet knew that she had never met him. He smiled warmly at her, nodded an almost imperceptible hello. She smiled back, mouthed a soundless greeting.

He looked to the moon, and then back to her. She turned slightly to follow his gaze, then back to his face. In that moment they spoke volumes of things to each other that they had bottled up for so long and said nothing at all. They shared a warm moment, and then the light changed. Her car turned left, and disappeared into the rainy night, a surprise birthday party awaiting her and her boyfriend at the end of her trip. He lingered for a moment, watching the taillights fade and then accelerated straight and through the intersection. His destination was the house he and his wife shared with each other. Just two people, thinking of the same moon, all that distance evaporated to nothing and yet, so very far apart.